What not to say when someone comes out

Our first post in our National Coming Out Day series focused on what to say and ask when someone comes out.

Today we’re focusing on what not to say and breaking down why these types of comments and questions are hurtful or harmful.

“I don’t care.”

While you might mean that coming out doesn’t change how you feel about someone, saying this can make people feel like you don’t care about this really important thing they’ve just shared with you.

“I respect your choices.”

Simply put, being 2SLGBTQIA+ isn’t a choice. Referring to someone being who they are as a choice invalidates their lived experience.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

Don’t take it personally if someone didn’t come out sooner. There’s a lot of hate in the world directed at 2SLGBTQIA+ folks and the unknowns of coming out can be overwhelming and scary.

“It’s a phase.”

People should always be believed and respected, regardless of their age when they come out. Younger folks may change the words they use to describe themselves but they should always feel loved and supported.

“Are you going to have surgery?”

Not every trans and gender-diverse person will seek medical gender-affirming care. If this is something someone is interested in, leave it to them to bring it up with you.

“I don’t agree with this but...”

Chances are if what you’re saying includes a “but” it’s going to be hurtful. You don’t need to understand someone or something to be respectful and supportive.

“This is just really hard to hear.”

While this can be rooted in fears about safety or alienation, focus on how the person coming out is feeling in that moment and what they need to hear to feel loved and supported.

If you’re not sure what to say, check out our previous post with some great options.